In applying for one of our fertility grants we had to write a letter to the organization describing our journey with infertility. I asked Cody to write it because he is SO much better at words than I am and here is what he wrote. I am so blessed to have a wonderful husband who loves me so dearly!!!
What makes a man, a man? I wonder sometimes now. Is it his origins, the way he comes to life? I believe it is the choices he makes. It’s not how he starts things, but in how he decides to end them.
I am Cody Berry, best friend and husband to a beautiful bride. My wife, Jaclyn, is an amazing woman who brings a smile to my face every morning that I awake. After three years of marriage she still manages to intrigue me with every breath she takes and I could not imagine my life without her. A marriage constructed of continuous love and companionship is how we started.
It was without a shadow of a doubt that we were going to embark on that special and intimate journey of starting a family. We would ask each other every so often, “How many kids do you think we’ll have?” The answer was always between two and three. This is a dream and a gift that I want so badly to give to my wife!
And so the seemingly endless attempts to conceive began. After about eight to nine months this process had begun losing its zeal and had become more of a part time job. It began to wear on us both and frustration set in. Still, we were steadfast with our prayers in asking God to please bless us as parents.
It became apparent that after so many months of trying that something wasn’t quite right. Jaclyn started initiating conversations about being tested and hesitantly, I agreed. She was put through the gauntlet of tests and was strong through it all. Finally, it had come to the conversation that no man ever wants to be a part of. “Maybe you should be tested.”
I couldn’t be broken, could I? I have always been perfectly healthy without any broken bones much less a cavity! I felt it necessary and only fitting that out of respect and love for my wife that I be tested. I never expected anything to be wrong, nor did I expect what was to come.
You see, from the time that I was a teenager having worked with youth in Church and around camps, I knew from that experience that I wanted to be a father more than anything. If all else failed around me, I knew that fatherhood was an obstacle that I would not, and could not see falter. If there is any statement that is de facto and true it is that, women become mothers and men become fathers. I never saw that changing.
I would lie in bed at night thinking of situations and things to say to my unborn children, what I wanted to teach them and have them learn from my own mistakes. Not that I ever had it rough, but there is a paternal and maternal instinct that wants so much more for our kids. I remember a quote from Abraham Lincoln that states, “The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother.” This is what I was going to do.
Well, then news came down from the doctor that I in fact had a low sperm count. Of course I could only make excuses as what might have caused this. After all, I was healthy as an ox! It soon became evident that there truly was something wrong. It is an unsettling feeling when what makes a man is stripped from him, leaving him bare.
The fault and blame lied with me and this is how it was going to be. This was my attitude and how I felt. The hurt and anger overwhelmed me and I began to withdraw from the situation. Our faith was put to the test. All along I was bottled up with no cork screw in sight.
Jaclyn was the one to begin researching and speaking with friends who had battled infertility issues as we were now. We had dinners and first time meetings with those that chose to let us in and allowed us to hear their story. It brought some comfort to us.
Then Jaclyn created a blog to help others like us. She wanted to let others know that they were not alone and that there are so many of us in the same boat. It allowed her to have a voice and some perspective. There was no shying away from the tough parts of our story. It’s the only way to help those who don’t have our strength. Be honest and be real like those who told their stories to us. It’s what we did to cope.
The day came when we met with the fertility clinic. Once again, the blood was drawn; ultrasounds seemed to happen every other week. I had never been to so many doctors appointment in so little time! It was daunting, but it had a glimmer of hope behind it all.
After all of our tests were returned the diagnosis was shared with us. The words that followed were so unspeakably cruel that every fiber in my body felt torn apart. All that I thought to be true, ostensibly, was not. How could HE take this from me, us? Living with this notion has been a daily struggle.
On our own, we were told there was only about a 2% chance of bringing a child into this world. Tears streamed down Jaclyn’s face. Our hearts were broken. It was the day in my life that I was at my weakest. I choked back the tears and held steady the hand of my wife. I couldn’t let her see me cry. But, then I broke. There were days that came and went that one of us wasn’t shedding a tear, but it was Jaclyn who started to pick up the pieces first.
Financially we exhausted everything we had saved. Thus, we began the process of IVF. It was all new information for us both. I wasn’t too sure about giving my wife shots every day though. This wasn’t something that I was trained for!
The days and weeks would soon pass as our faith and hope grew stronger. After all, with IVF we had well above a 50% chance of conceiving. Another blow was given when we were told we only had 3 viable eggs. We would have nothing left to freeze for another cycle. Still, we held onto our hope that God would bless us.
While on vacation with family, a phone call was received by Jaclyn. Only I could tell by the look in her eyes that we would find ourselves on the wrong end of the percentages. We were not pregnant.
Physical pain didn’t begin to skim the surface of the emotional turmoil that my wife and I would endure in that week. Jaclyn had picked up baby clothes at a store as a way to tell me that were going to be parents. Unlike an unwanted birthday gift, this return held an entirely different feel.
“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1 is the passage that has spoken to me from a very young age and one that I have shared numerous times with my wife. Today, after many conversations and prayers, we are willing to put ourselves out there, yet again.
Life is hard, and there is no way to predict what happens to us next. Right now, in this very moment is all anyone truly has. We walked back in on our faith and toughened it out. As long as the good days outnumber the bad, we will live those days with family and friends there to cheer us on in our adventure. Dream big! Nothing worthy gets handed to you on a silver platter. Work, sweat and get off the bench as my sports background would say. You get one shot at life.
DH Lawrence once wrote, “I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself; A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." We are not looking for pity. We do not pity ourselves. What we are asking for is help. Help to nurture our dream of creating a family.
We hope that our journey is heard. We hope that our future is as bright as the rising sun. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies…
Sincerely,
C. Cody Berry
