HOPE

Hope is my new word! ;)

I am hopeful that I WILL be a mom one day.
I am hopeful that I will continue to be blessed in life.
I am hopeful that the pain will get easier.
I am hopeful that my load will feel lighter.

I bought a sign last week while we were at the beach and put it on my shelf at work that faces my desk. Whenever I get teary eyed I can look up and see that hope is on the way ;) Cheesy . . . . why YES, but does it make me feel better . . . . definitely!

Complete Devastation

Last Thursday was our blood work for the pregnancy test and it was negative. I've never felt so numb and lost in my life. Thank goodness we were at the beach with my family and had their support and had a shoulder to cry on.

Cody and I have different ways of grieving and it took a little more time for the full effect to hit me (which is usually not the case). I woke up Friday morning and it hit me, really hard. I cried uncontrollably and snuggled with Cody. He is such a sweet and amazing person! I had an unsettling feeling from the transfer day. As much as I didn't want to admit it; I just felt in my heart that it wouldn't take from that point on.

This week was the family vacation in Destin and it was very stressful. My poor dad, felt terrible and I took him to the ER, he has cellulitos. We got about three days of beach time between the ER, rain and our doctor appointment and bad news. I am hoping that my dad starts to feel much better. I need both my parents for a VERY long time!! ;)

As sad as I am about leaving the beach, I am ready to get back to normalcy and the GYM!! I am not looking forward to hearing all the questions about IVF and how did it go?!? I want and appreciate all the support and prayers but I'm really not wanting to talk about anything right now. Not how I feel, how sad I am, not what the plan is, not anything.

God is putting us through this for a reason and I am praying for strength to understand that reason. We are meeting with the doctor in the next week to discuss options and where to go from here. I will continue to blog and eventually whatever way we are blessed, we will share the news of our family!

Sad news

Yesterday I got the phone call from the doctor that none of our embryos were viable to freeze. I was beyond devastated. I can't describe the feeling I felt knowing that IF the ones that were transferred do not take we will have no more 'chances.' It was very upsetting and I felt like I was in a fog all day.

I worked about five hours. This was my first time back to the office since last Wednesday when they did the egg retrieval. And to make things more fun, we moved offices on Friday. So, I came back to several boxes that needed to be unpacked, 117 emails and 13 voicemails. Needless to say I was not in the right state of mind to be working. I drudged through what I could and then went home to rest.

Our sweet neighbors Brent & Kelly had us over for dinner. Thank goodness because I would not have cooked and poor Cody was starved! ;) We ate with them and watched the "Ella Show." She had us laughing so hard! And she said my name for the first time! Well, she said "ACCCKKK" which means Jac! They have impeccable timing in helping to lift our spirits! True friends are hard to find, and they are the best!

Onward and upward . . . praying that things will fall into place and if they don't, praying that God gives me the strength to get through the rough times!