Research, phone calls and paperwork OH MY . . . .

Cody and I have been talking over the last month in depth about adoption. We have weighed options on doing another round of IVF vs adoption, and feel strongly about adoption and have decided to investigate. We both feel as though we are meant to be parents and our hearts are open to whatever God's plan may be to making us parents.

We have meet with several couples who have adopted and done lots of research. I spoke with several agencies and have started a "master spreadsheet" with agency fees, medical expenses, legal expenses etc

One factor that weighs heavily into every decision regarding infertility is finances. While IVF is cheaper then adoption, the chance of success is far less then adoption. We have brainstormed lots of creative fundraising ideas and are ready to implement those once we pull the trigger. We plan to do a Chick-Fil-A friends and family night, design a t-shirt and sell those and possibly a Krispy Kreme fundraiser too.

The research has somewhat consumed me, but it is all so exciting. The definite possibility of having a baby in our home in the next year is thrilling!!

The next step is to meet with an agency and discuss a homestudy. Once we have done that, we will officially pull the trigger and everything will start at once. Meaning fundraising, fundraising, and fundraising. We will also start to make a scrapbook profile for potential birth mothers to review.

We will keep everyone posted on the journey; and I plan to update much more often while we walk through the adoption process!

Options . . .

Cody and I are looking into several options regarding becoming a parent. Adoption is one of those options. I am going to meet a friend of a friend for lunch today, Leah. She adopted a cute little boy Lucas about five months ago. Tomorrow Cody and I are meeting another couple, Cheryl and her husband for dinner. Cheryl runs the adoption awareness program at a local church and has also adopted.

I am excited and curious to learn more about adoption to see if it is a viable option for us. We are opening our hearts and are excited about whatever way God chooses to bless us with parenthood.

HOPE

Hope is my new word! ;)

I am hopeful that I WILL be a mom one day.
I am hopeful that I will continue to be blessed in life.
I am hopeful that the pain will get easier.
I am hopeful that my load will feel lighter.

I bought a sign last week while we were at the beach and put it on my shelf at work that faces my desk. Whenever I get teary eyed I can look up and see that hope is on the way ;) Cheesy . . . . why YES, but does it make me feel better . . . . definitely!

Complete Devastation

Last Thursday was our blood work for the pregnancy test and it was negative. I've never felt so numb and lost in my life. Thank goodness we were at the beach with my family and had their support and had a shoulder to cry on.

Cody and I have different ways of grieving and it took a little more time for the full effect to hit me (which is usually not the case). I woke up Friday morning and it hit me, really hard. I cried uncontrollably and snuggled with Cody. He is such a sweet and amazing person! I had an unsettling feeling from the transfer day. As much as I didn't want to admit it; I just felt in my heart that it wouldn't take from that point on.

This week was the family vacation in Destin and it was very stressful. My poor dad, felt terrible and I took him to the ER, he has cellulitos. We got about three days of beach time between the ER, rain and our doctor appointment and bad news. I am hoping that my dad starts to feel much better. I need both my parents for a VERY long time!! ;)

As sad as I am about leaving the beach, I am ready to get back to normalcy and the GYM!! I am not looking forward to hearing all the questions about IVF and how did it go?!? I want and appreciate all the support and prayers but I'm really not wanting to talk about anything right now. Not how I feel, how sad I am, not what the plan is, not anything.

God is putting us through this for a reason and I am praying for strength to understand that reason. We are meeting with the doctor in the next week to discuss options and where to go from here. I will continue to blog and eventually whatever way we are blessed, we will share the news of our family!

Sad news

Yesterday I got the phone call from the doctor that none of our embryos were viable to freeze. I was beyond devastated. I can't describe the feeling I felt knowing that IF the ones that were transferred do not take we will have no more 'chances.' It was very upsetting and I felt like I was in a fog all day.

I worked about five hours. This was my first time back to the office since last Wednesday when they did the egg retrieval. And to make things more fun, we moved offices on Friday. So, I came back to several boxes that needed to be unpacked, 117 emails and 13 voicemails. Needless to say I was not in the right state of mind to be working. I drudged through what I could and then went home to rest.

Our sweet neighbors Brent & Kelly had us over for dinner. Thank goodness because I would not have cooked and poor Cody was starved! ;) We ate with them and watched the "Ella Show." She had us laughing so hard! And she said my name for the first time! Well, she said "ACCCKKK" which means Jac! They have impeccable timing in helping to lift our spirits! True friends are hard to find, and they are the best!

Onward and upward . . . praying that things will fall into place and if they don't, praying that God gives me the strength to get through the rough times!

A very emotional Friday and Transfer time!!!

After recovering from the retrieval, I woke up feeling great. I went to get a pedicure on Friday and planned to have a relaxing afternoon of yard work, reading and scrapbooking . . . . but the call from the fertility center hit me like a ton of bricks. I was just devastated. I received the voicemail yesterday updating me with the progress on our seven fertilized embryos. The news was not what we had been hoping for. Of the seven embryos that were fertilized only one was growing at a positive growth rate. As of noon on Friday we had one B, five C and one D embryo. It is just like the grading scale in high school everyone hopes for an A. The doctor felt that it was in our best interest for us to do a Day 3 transfer. And scheduled it for Saturday morning at 9am. My amazing mom packed up and headed up Friday night to be here with me and help take care of me while I was on bed rest.

I sent out prayer requests to everyone I knew! After mass hysteria and crying I talked my my awesome IVF nurse Jennifer who assured me that the "fat lady isn't even warming up" she told me to keep positive thoughts and try to stay as calm as possible. Her quote yesterday that stuck with me is "everyone wants an A, but you don't have to have straight A's to get through school" how true!! It only takes one.

Our friends Brent, Kelly and baby Ella came to hang out with us Friday night and it really helped to distract the whirl of emotions Cody and I were feeling. I slept about 2 hours total on Friday night. My mind simply would not turn off. I found myself google'ing breathing techniques at 3:30am in order to prepare myself for the transfer.

The transfer went fine. There was one small hiccup, the doctor had to use a clamp in order to get the catheter in. But, other then that it went by quickly. I am home recovering on bed rest and haven't gone completely stir crazy yet, but see it on the horizon!




Picture of Dr. Berry scrubbed in to hold my hand and wipe my tears!



Future parents excited and ready to have a family!



The eggs that were transferred, future baby Cojac's! By Saturday morning, prayers were starting to come through. We had TWO B eggs and these are them ;)

Egg Retrieval

Cody patiently waiting with me in the room before surgery.


Yesterday was the egg retrieval ( or as Cody calls it the 'egg laying' day) and I am just now getting out of bed and showered at 7:30pm the following day. I wasn't nervous or scared yesterday at all, just excited! When I came out of the surgery room, I was immediately in pain on my right side. They gave me more pain medication and had to watch me. Once I peed then I could leave. So, after I peed the pain was worse. The nurse paged Dr. Eblen to come back and check me out. She did an ultrasound to double check and be sure everything looked the way is should. There were 5 pockets of pooled blood, and she said that was the cause of the pain. She said to rest and take pain pills and I would feel fine in a couple days. I took pain pills every four hours today and feel about 90% myself! I hope I will wake up tomorrow and feel 100%. As a reward to myself I foresee a pedicure and maybe lounging by the pool reading one of my new books all day tomorrow.

They were able to retrieve 10 eggs total. They fertilized 9 eggs with the ICSI procedure and only 7 of those eggs "took" and were progressing as of today. I will know more tomorrow on the growth and whether it will be a 3 or 5 day transfer. If all goes well, the transfer will be Monday (5 day)and the embryos will continue to grow on their own.

Yesterday also marked the first day of the "big" shots. I was still hopped up on medication so I didn't over think or analyze I just dropped my pants and hoped by booty was thick enough for it not to hurt! As I am waiting (mind you half naked and bent over) Cody goes white in the face and says "I can't do this, the needle is HUGE and is going to hurt you!" You guessed it, that's when I freaked out! So, after a little pep talk and explaining I was still drugged and didn't care, he got up the nerve and gave it to me. After all the drama of the preparation, it really didn't hurt. ;)

I've been waiting for this week for so long. I am excited to make it through the transfer and get wonderful news on the other side!

The week full of "last"

A lot has happened this week . . . I had abdominal paid on Wednesday so the doctor told me to come in a day early for the blood work and ultrasound. Thursday's results were good and my blood work more then doubled. After the doctor examined me, he was concerned about the location and level of pain so to be on the safe side, he scheduled a CT scan for Friday. When I went on Friday, I was already nauseous (which I have learned is a great sign! When your estradiol level spikes, you feel sick.)and was even more nauseous when they said I had to drink the white glue paste. After attempting and dry heaving, the nurse said I could drink 2 glasses of water and then they would do an IV and shoot the contrast in through that. The test was only about 15 minutes, and made me feel dizzy and more nauseous. Yippy!!! But, the results were normal.

Saturday morning we went for another ultrasound and blood work. My estradiol more then doubled again. Woo hoo! We still don't have exact dates for the retrieval and transfer which is REALLY hard for me. But, I should know after tomorrow. I have another ultrasound and more blood work at 8:30 in the morning.

Cody and I have had a relaxing weekend and continue to think of things that will be a "last" before kiddos come. This week will be the last week before we are pregnant and preparing for a bundle of joy. I JUST know IVF will work and we will be blessed! So, here is to the last week as a married couple with no babies. ;)

Pity party . . . table for 1

Yesterday was a debbie-downer day. I really dislike those days! I reverted back to the "Why do I have to go through this?" I kept saying "It's not fair!" So after a crying spell and a great talk with my mom and wonderful sister. I strapped on my walking shoes and went for a long walk and let my mind wander (in a good way)and I was re-focused once I got home, thank goodness.

Yesterday I went for my first check-up since starting the FSH medications. I had blood work drawn and an ultrasound. Results are great, my levels are mid-range, not too high, not too low and I had 13 follicles which is great for this stage. So, LOTS to be thankful for!! What triggered the debbie-downer was the fact that medications were not reduced and I had to order more (a whopping $1,300). I also have to continue three shots a day until next Tuesday. I was more upset about the shots then anything. I really don't like needles. ;)




Lots to be thankful for and I am blessed! Have I mentioned that I have THE worlds most patient husband?!

My poor belly . . .

So I can see four bruises, one being very large, our first and LAST attempt to inject above the belly button. Needless to say my entire belly is sore. :( Oh the countdown is on until the day of no more shots. Ready for these to just be done.

The weird thing is I have had some crazy cravings lately. Like intense, need to make a trip to Walgreen's to pick up Chef Boyardee Raviolis super stat cravings. After devouring the can of raviolis and cheese toast that was a must, I topped it off with a bowl of cookies and cream ice cream. I really hope this terrible eating and cravings are not a sign to come.

I am ready for Tuesday to arrive so I will have a better idea of dates after the ultrasound and that means less injections as the days pass!

Suppression Check Time

Today was the "big" suppression check to see how my body is reacting to the Lupron shots and to add more medications and adjust the units of Lupron. I was very nervous and a little on edge, and it was worse that I had to go alone. My brain would not shut off with the "what if's". I worked myself into a tissy the night before crying and upset (and it spilled into this morning too) - the medications come with full on mood swings. Yay for Cody, he has now experienced what I call "Psycho Chick." I know I was being psycho but I couldn't control the crying and randomness of run-on sentences that I continued to blurt. I can now laugh and snort, yes snort, about it. But, it was not so funny in the midst of "Psycho Chick's" appearance!

Ok, onto the appointment. I kind of felt like cattle, just kidding. First stop was the blood draw, second stop was the potty to empty my bladder, then I was whisked into an ultrasound room and with no swooning at all I was told to get naked! After the ultrasound, I was sent to another room to take my vitals and the dreaded weigh-in not a fan! After that I was sent to yet another room where the "test" run of the embryo transfer occurred and we talked in depth about the process and how I was feeling. (That poor sweet nurse had no idea what was coming her way after last night!) Then I was sent to yet another room where I met with my AMAZING IVF nurse Jennifer. We discussed how to mix all the new medications and scheduled an ultrasound for next Tuesday. (Cody may need a chemistry degree to mix all these injections.) I still don't have an exact date for the retrieval/transfer and Jennifer said I won't until about a day or so before the procedure. Well, "Psycho Chick" almost made a guest appearance at this point. I just need to know people! Anyway, Jennifer must have sensed I was on edge and she hugged me. After that things seemed to be better and I have finally grasped the concept that I am NOT in control of this process.

The next two weeks are full of three injections a day, 4 ultrasounds, an egg retrieval and an egg transfer (whenever that may be.) BUT, the most positive news of all is that I have eighteen, yes 1--8 follicles! This is great news. Most women only have five or six, but I have 18 and there may be even more when they do the retrieval. So, that is something to cling to in this frustrating process!

I am almost half way through the process and more then 100% ready to be done. I hope the next two weeks fly by and the end result is in sight! I am counting down the days until the Destin beach trip on August 7.

Start of Week 2 of shots

Today marks the second week of shots for IVF. I am already over the shots, and these are just the "little" ones! I have never been a fan of needles (although I doubt anyone is a fan.) It's not painful, just more of an annoyance. Cody has been such an awesome supporter and he has given me every shot! I go Thursday for our suppression check and can't wait to get the "official" calendar for the retrieval date and embryo transfer! Thursday's appointment is four hours long and is very involved. This is the first appointment that I will go to alone. I'm sure it will be fine, but I would love Cody's company. I guess someone has to work! Ha!

Here's to hoping "my plan" works out and we are able to find out IF we are pregnant before we leave for our beach trip on August 7.

Shots begin!

Cody and I went to Tunica with our friends Brent and Kelly to celebrate the July 4th weekend. We had so much fun! We gambled a little, shopped at the outlets, went to the Redbirds game, ate at the Rendevous and gambled some more. We had a fabulous and relaxing time. We laughed and laughed and laughed!






Sunday morning was our first shot for IVF. It stung a little but wasn't as bad as I had worked it up to be in my mind. I had worked myself up so much that I was a bit nauseous, but it quickly passed. Funny how that happens and your mind takes over! We have two weeks of the Lupron shots and then I go to the doctor for a suppression check to see how my body is reacting to the medications.




I am off to celebrate my Holiday off from work doing laundry, grocery shopping and then a trip to the pool with my friend and her twin boys. Very excited.

Reflecting

Today, like most days, I have been reflecting about the roller coaster of emotions we have been through in the past few months. First, was the first time we were told we could not have babies on our own. It was gut-wrenching. I just remember sitting in the parking lot for hours (it felt like) sobbing. The upside of the roller coaster happened when we were told the numbers were better and things looked up. We left that appointment on cloud 9 just ecstatic and actually celebrated with a nice dinner and talked about our future family and smiled for days. That is until the we went for a consult with the doctor and were told once again that we could not conceive on our own. Apparently, the numbers were mis-read by the nurse. Once again, we were devastated.

Cody had to leave this appointment early, so I found myself alone unable to control my tears. I sat at the park for over two hours sobbing, watching kids play and thinking to myself how jealous and envious I was. I talked to a close friend, my mom and my mother-in-love and I still felt lost.

I was upset when I would see mom's with their kids and I would have to remove myself from the situation. I heard other people say that before and always thought "Geez people, get a grip" But, one of the many life lessons I have learned is don't judge another until have walked in their shoes. The other life lesson was told to me by our fabulous IVF nurse, Jennifer. I went to a doctor appointment one day, and I told her I saw a pregnant woman in the parking lot as I was walking in and just started crying. Jennifer's response was "you have no idea what her journey was to pregnancy." That has really stuck with me.

Sometimes I wonder if those days will ever leave my memory? And other days I want to remember them so when my future kids are not sleeping at night or throwing a fit in the store; I will remember how blessed I am to have kids. Each one of those days still feels as though it was yesterday. The heartache is indescribable and I don't wish that pain upon anyone.

But, I keep repeating "HE won't bring us to it if HE won't bring us through it" That has been a great mantra for me.

The start of a new journey . . .

Well, I guess its official that I am now a blogger since I am typing my very first post . . . woo hoo!! ;) My initial goal of this blog is to use this as a tool to help myself sort feelings and to journal the events that are about to occur in our life! Cody and I are one of the many unfortunate couples - which is 1 out of 6 -couples who will face infertility issues. This blog is to let our family and friends know of our journey and to one day in the near future (fingers crossed) follow our family as we grow!

Our journey started in August of 2009 with the hopes of starting a family quickly. After several months of trying - yes charting and spreadsheets were in the mix for those of you who know me so well; we decided to seek medical advice. In December 2009, we went to my OB and discussed our charts and a plan of action as to explanations for us not having conceived by now. She sent us to a specialist and after several months (six to be exact, but whose counting?!) of appointments, many crying sessions, and one scare of a possible tumor; we have made the decision to proceed with In Vitro Fertilization (IVF) to start our family.

Cody and I have been brought closer together as a couple throughout this entire painful and extremely stressful process. But, the end result will be worth it . . . a beautiful baby!

Yesterday we started our oral medications, and this Sunday marks the date for the first shot! I plan to blog about the process and the ultrasounds along the way. Sharing all the wonderful news as we receive it as well!!

With all that said . . . . we are on our journey!