HOPE

Hope is my new word! ;)

I am hopeful that I WILL be a mom one day.
I am hopeful that I will continue to be blessed in life.
I am hopeful that the pain will get easier.
I am hopeful that my load will feel lighter.

I bought a sign last week while we were at the beach and put it on my shelf at work that faces my desk. Whenever I get teary eyed I can look up and see that hope is on the way ;) Cheesy . . . . why YES, but does it make me feel better . . . . definitely!

Complete Devastation

Last Thursday was our blood work for the pregnancy test and it was negative. I've never felt so numb and lost in my life. Thank goodness we were at the beach with my family and had their support and had a shoulder to cry on.

Cody and I have different ways of grieving and it took a little more time for the full effect to hit me (which is usually not the case). I woke up Friday morning and it hit me, really hard. I cried uncontrollably and snuggled with Cody. He is such a sweet and amazing person! I had an unsettling feeling from the transfer day. As much as I didn't want to admit it; I just felt in my heart that it wouldn't take from that point on.

This week was the family vacation in Destin and it was very stressful. My poor dad, felt terrible and I took him to the ER, he has cellulitos. We got about three days of beach time between the ER, rain and our doctor appointment and bad news. I am hoping that my dad starts to feel much better. I need both my parents for a VERY long time!! ;)

As sad as I am about leaving the beach, I am ready to get back to normalcy and the GYM!! I am not looking forward to hearing all the questions about IVF and how did it go?!? I want and appreciate all the support and prayers but I'm really not wanting to talk about anything right now. Not how I feel, how sad I am, not what the plan is, not anything.

God is putting us through this for a reason and I am praying for strength to understand that reason. We are meeting with the doctor in the next week to discuss options and where to go from here. I will continue to blog and eventually whatever way we are blessed, we will share the news of our family!

Sad news

Yesterday I got the phone call from the doctor that none of our embryos were viable to freeze. I was beyond devastated. I can't describe the feeling I felt knowing that IF the ones that were transferred do not take we will have no more 'chances.' It was very upsetting and I felt like I was in a fog all day.

I worked about five hours. This was my first time back to the office since last Wednesday when they did the egg retrieval. And to make things more fun, we moved offices on Friday. So, I came back to several boxes that needed to be unpacked, 117 emails and 13 voicemails. Needless to say I was not in the right state of mind to be working. I drudged through what I could and then went home to rest.

Our sweet neighbors Brent & Kelly had us over for dinner. Thank goodness because I would not have cooked and poor Cody was starved! ;) We ate with them and watched the "Ella Show." She had us laughing so hard! And she said my name for the first time! Well, she said "ACCCKKK" which means Jac! They have impeccable timing in helping to lift our spirits! True friends are hard to find, and they are the best!

Onward and upward . . . praying that things will fall into place and if they don't, praying that God gives me the strength to get through the rough times!

A very emotional Friday and Transfer time!!!

After recovering from the retrieval, I woke up feeling great. I went to get a pedicure on Friday and planned to have a relaxing afternoon of yard work, reading and scrapbooking . . . . but the call from the fertility center hit me like a ton of bricks. I was just devastated. I received the voicemail yesterday updating me with the progress on our seven fertilized embryos. The news was not what we had been hoping for. Of the seven embryos that were fertilized only one was growing at a positive growth rate. As of noon on Friday we had one B, five C and one D embryo. It is just like the grading scale in high school everyone hopes for an A. The doctor felt that it was in our best interest for us to do a Day 3 transfer. And scheduled it for Saturday morning at 9am. My amazing mom packed up and headed up Friday night to be here with me and help take care of me while I was on bed rest.

I sent out prayer requests to everyone I knew! After mass hysteria and crying I talked my my awesome IVF nurse Jennifer who assured me that the "fat lady isn't even warming up" she told me to keep positive thoughts and try to stay as calm as possible. Her quote yesterday that stuck with me is "everyone wants an A, but you don't have to have straight A's to get through school" how true!! It only takes one.

Our friends Brent, Kelly and baby Ella came to hang out with us Friday night and it really helped to distract the whirl of emotions Cody and I were feeling. I slept about 2 hours total on Friday night. My mind simply would not turn off. I found myself google'ing breathing techniques at 3:30am in order to prepare myself for the transfer.

The transfer went fine. There was one small hiccup, the doctor had to use a clamp in order to get the catheter in. But, other then that it went by quickly. I am home recovering on bed rest and haven't gone completely stir crazy yet, but see it on the horizon!




Picture of Dr. Berry scrubbed in to hold my hand and wipe my tears!



Future parents excited and ready to have a family!



The eggs that were transferred, future baby Cojac's! By Saturday morning, prayers were starting to come through. We had TWO B eggs and these are them ;)

Egg Retrieval

Cody patiently waiting with me in the room before surgery.


Yesterday was the egg retrieval ( or as Cody calls it the 'egg laying' day) and I am just now getting out of bed and showered at 7:30pm the following day. I wasn't nervous or scared yesterday at all, just excited! When I came out of the surgery room, I was immediately in pain on my right side. They gave me more pain medication and had to watch me. Once I peed then I could leave. So, after I peed the pain was worse. The nurse paged Dr. Eblen to come back and check me out. She did an ultrasound to double check and be sure everything looked the way is should. There were 5 pockets of pooled blood, and she said that was the cause of the pain. She said to rest and take pain pills and I would feel fine in a couple days. I took pain pills every four hours today and feel about 90% myself! I hope I will wake up tomorrow and feel 100%. As a reward to myself I foresee a pedicure and maybe lounging by the pool reading one of my new books all day tomorrow.

They were able to retrieve 10 eggs total. They fertilized 9 eggs with the ICSI procedure and only 7 of those eggs "took" and were progressing as of today. I will know more tomorrow on the growth and whether it will be a 3 or 5 day transfer. If all goes well, the transfer will be Monday (5 day)and the embryos will continue to grow on their own.

Yesterday also marked the first day of the "big" shots. I was still hopped up on medication so I didn't over think or analyze I just dropped my pants and hoped by booty was thick enough for it not to hurt! As I am waiting (mind you half naked and bent over) Cody goes white in the face and says "I can't do this, the needle is HUGE and is going to hurt you!" You guessed it, that's when I freaked out! So, after a little pep talk and explaining I was still drugged and didn't care, he got up the nerve and gave it to me. After all the drama of the preparation, it really didn't hurt. ;)

I've been waiting for this week for so long. I am excited to make it through the transfer and get wonderful news on the other side!

The week full of "last"

A lot has happened this week . . . I had abdominal paid on Wednesday so the doctor told me to come in a day early for the blood work and ultrasound. Thursday's results were good and my blood work more then doubled. After the doctor examined me, he was concerned about the location and level of pain so to be on the safe side, he scheduled a CT scan for Friday. When I went on Friday, I was already nauseous (which I have learned is a great sign! When your estradiol level spikes, you feel sick.)and was even more nauseous when they said I had to drink the white glue paste. After attempting and dry heaving, the nurse said I could drink 2 glasses of water and then they would do an IV and shoot the contrast in through that. The test was only about 15 minutes, and made me feel dizzy and more nauseous. Yippy!!! But, the results were normal.

Saturday morning we went for another ultrasound and blood work. My estradiol more then doubled again. Woo hoo! We still don't have exact dates for the retrieval and transfer which is REALLY hard for me. But, I should know after tomorrow. I have another ultrasound and more blood work at 8:30 in the morning.

Cody and I have had a relaxing weekend and continue to think of things that will be a "last" before kiddos come. This week will be the last week before we are pregnant and preparing for a bundle of joy. I JUST know IVF will work and we will be blessed! So, here is to the last week as a married couple with no babies. ;)

Pity party . . . table for 1

Yesterday was a debbie-downer day. I really dislike those days! I reverted back to the "Why do I have to go through this?" I kept saying "It's not fair!" So after a crying spell and a great talk with my mom and wonderful sister. I strapped on my walking shoes and went for a long walk and let my mind wander (in a good way)and I was re-focused once I got home, thank goodness.

Yesterday I went for my first check-up since starting the FSH medications. I had blood work drawn and an ultrasound. Results are great, my levels are mid-range, not too high, not too low and I had 13 follicles which is great for this stage. So, LOTS to be thankful for!! What triggered the debbie-downer was the fact that medications were not reduced and I had to order more (a whopping $1,300). I also have to continue three shots a day until next Tuesday. I was more upset about the shots then anything. I really don't like needles. ;)




Lots to be thankful for and I am blessed! Have I mentioned that I have THE worlds most patient husband?!