We went for our weekly check-up today. We talked with my doctor, Anne, (she was out of town last week) she bawled crying!! I just love her!!
We went over a ton of paperwork and answered a lot of questions. They did a pee sample, blood work and weight. I've lost 5 pounds in one week. Yep, been sick as a dog!! Not fun, but I am not complaining at all. We are both still grinning ear to ear.
Cody has been more emotional than me. He cried watching Bones the other day. HA - good thing he doesn't read our blog. He would kill me for saying that!!! Love you punkin!! ;)
If all comes back well tomorrow with my blood work then we will go back to the doctor on Monday, June 20th. We were scheduled to go the week before, but we are at the beach. At that appointment we will get to hear the heartbeat!!!
We find out the sex of the baby on August 22! Anne says we will take a deep breathe after hearing the heartbeat, another deep breathe after we pass Week 14, and another big deep breathe after we pass Week 20. Praying for a healthy baby and momma to be healthy and have an easy delivery!! ;)
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Tuesday, May 24, 2011
Telling the Parents.... ;)
Cody and I decided to leave last Thursday and make a whirlwind tour to tell our parents the awesome news!! Here is the run down:
Thursday:
I woke up and BAM - my back was jacked up. I thought just awesome.... this is going to be a long 9 months!! I was really sick Thursday morning too. We didn't leave the house until about 10 am. We stopped by McDonald's and I ate a hash brown and it was delicious!! We left there and headed to Knoxville. My back was killing me the whole trip. I was texting back and forth with Jena so she could coral my parents for the big surprise! When we were about 20 minutes away, Jena sent me a text and said "mom knows something is up" My stomach sank and I cried. I wanted to tell her in person!! So, after all the drama of me thinking mom knew.... she didn't! Cody and I showed up and told her that I had Court the next day and he was just along for the ride since he didn't have to work ;) She smiled and bought it, YES!!!!! So we sat there and hung out until the guys came home. It killed me to sit there and not tell my mom, but I really wanted to tell them together. So, the guys made it home and showered and then as we were getting ready to leave for dinner I told my parents that a client made a really sweet card for me and I wanted them to see it. I handed it to mom:
They were so excited!!!! I literally thought mom would have a heart attack! Sweet Bailee said "No one cried when we said MY baby was coming" She was a little confused why everyone was so hysterical when we said we were pregnant. We made it out the door to dinner and had a great night. Bailee said later that night as we were playing the quiet game on the ride home that "Those pregnant girls up front can NOT loose because they have babies in the belly!!" She is such a sweetie! She drew me a few pictures that night too. Here they are:
Ha! Bailee made this picture of "Nana" who was crying!! ;)
Friday:
We woke up and got ready to leave. We made a stop with mom and Bailee at WalMart to buy Bailee her big girl bike for graduating from pre-school. She was so excited to ride her bike without training wheels. From there we set off to tell Cody's parents. Who knew what this day had in store!!! We left Knoxville at 12:30pm for what should have been a 5 1/2 hour drive..... well, 12 hours later we made it to Montgomery! There was an overturned gas tanker 45 miles away from his parents house! If we would have followed the GPS ummm, hmmmm Cody Berry, we would have avoided the mess. But, it is what it is. We arrived at five minutes to midnight. We were both anxious and wanted to tell his parents. Miraculously, they were awake when we arrived so Cody handed them tickets to concert here in Nashville for January 10, 2012 - they were thanking us - thinking cool - then Cody handed them their back stage pass - our picture at the ultrasound and his mom freaked! His dad was so lost saying "What, what?" haha! see picture of their "concert" ticket:
We didn't get a picture with Cody's parents....makes me sad!! BUT, we did have these from a few weekends earlier - Mother's Day! (Technically we WERE pregnant then and just didn't know it yet ;))
Saturday:
We got up and left the house by 9am heading to Panama City to see Ross and tell him the news. I was exhausted and felt SO sick. I didn't even shower! I rode to the beach in my pajamas! Nice Jaclyn...way to keep it classy! Once we arrived we checked in the hotel and stopped by to see Ross for a few minutes before leaving for lunch. (Yes, I managed to change clothes at this point!) Ross was really excited! We left for lunch and I said "I think I can eat" Boy did I ever!!! I demolished a pound of crab legs, baked potato and cole slaw. Then got a small serving of frozen yogurt too! I felt so much better after eating. We headed back to Ross' house and I sacked out in the guest room for 3.5 hours while they visited. We went back to the hotel and I showered (finally, yuck) and went back to bed.
Sunday:
I was up bright and early at 6am! I sat on the balcony and read some of my pregnancy books before everyone moved around! Jackie came and joined me and we chatted. We all showered and headed over to Ross' for breakfast. We ate and then I took a nap and we left there at 12:30 and headed back to Montgomery. When we got there at 4pm, I felt awful. We went through the drive through to get me some chicken nuggets and I couldn't eat them. I felt so bad that I laid down for a little bit. We left Montgomery about 4:30 and headed to Nashville. It was a great trip, no traffic at all ;) We traveled four days and was in the car 26.5 hours!! But, I would not have changed a thing! Yay!!
Thursday:
I woke up and BAM - my back was jacked up. I thought just awesome.... this is going to be a long 9 months!! I was really sick Thursday morning too. We didn't leave the house until about 10 am. We stopped by McDonald's and I ate a hash brown and it was delicious!! We left there and headed to Knoxville. My back was killing me the whole trip. I was texting back and forth with Jena so she could coral my parents for the big surprise! When we were about 20 minutes away, Jena sent me a text and said "mom knows something is up" My stomach sank and I cried. I wanted to tell her in person!! So, after all the drama of me thinking mom knew.... she didn't! Cody and I showed up and told her that I had Court the next day and he was just along for the ride since he didn't have to work ;) She smiled and bought it, YES!!!!! So we sat there and hung out until the guys came home. It killed me to sit there and not tell my mom, but I really wanted to tell them together. So, the guys made it home and showered and then as we were getting ready to leave for dinner I told my parents that a client made a really sweet card for me and I wanted them to see it. I handed it to mom:
They were so excited!!!! I literally thought mom would have a heart attack! Sweet Bailee said "No one cried when we said MY baby was coming" She was a little confused why everyone was so hysterical when we said we were pregnant. We made it out the door to dinner and had a great night. Bailee said later that night as we were playing the quiet game on the ride home that "Those pregnant girls up front can NOT loose because they have babies in the belly!!" She is such a sweetie! She drew me a few pictures that night too. Here they are:
Ha! Bailee made this picture of "Nana" who was crying!! ;)
Friday:
We woke up and got ready to leave. We made a stop with mom and Bailee at WalMart to buy Bailee her big girl bike for graduating from pre-school. She was so excited to ride her bike without training wheels. From there we set off to tell Cody's parents. Who knew what this day had in store!!! We left Knoxville at 12:30pm for what should have been a 5 1/2 hour drive..... well, 12 hours later we made it to Montgomery! There was an overturned gas tanker 45 miles away from his parents house! If we would have followed the GPS ummm, hmmmm Cody Berry, we would have avoided the mess. But, it is what it is. We arrived at five minutes to midnight. We were both anxious and wanted to tell his parents. Miraculously, they were awake when we arrived so Cody handed them tickets to concert here in Nashville for January 10, 2012 - they were thanking us - thinking cool - then Cody handed them their back stage pass - our picture at the ultrasound and his mom freaked! His dad was so lost saying "What, what?" haha! see picture of their "concert" ticket:
We didn't get a picture with Cody's parents....makes me sad!! BUT, we did have these from a few weekends earlier - Mother's Day! (Technically we WERE pregnant then and just didn't know it yet ;))
Saturday:
We got up and left the house by 9am heading to Panama City to see Ross and tell him the news. I was exhausted and felt SO sick. I didn't even shower! I rode to the beach in my pajamas! Nice Jaclyn...way to keep it classy! Once we arrived we checked in the hotel and stopped by to see Ross for a few minutes before leaving for lunch. (Yes, I managed to change clothes at this point!) Ross was really excited! We left for lunch and I said "I think I can eat" Boy did I ever!!! I demolished a pound of crab legs, baked potato and cole slaw. Then got a small serving of frozen yogurt too! I felt so much better after eating. We headed back to Ross' house and I sacked out in the guest room for 3.5 hours while they visited. We went back to the hotel and I showered (finally, yuck) and went back to bed.
Sunday:
I was up bright and early at 6am! I sat on the balcony and read some of my pregnancy books before everyone moved around! Jackie came and joined me and we chatted. We all showered and headed over to Ross' for breakfast. We ate and then I took a nap and we left there at 12:30 and headed back to Montgomery. When we got there at 4pm, I felt awful. We went through the drive through to get me some chicken nuggets and I couldn't eat them. I felt so bad that I laid down for a little bit. We left Montgomery about 4:30 and headed to Nashville. It was a great trip, no traffic at all ;) We traveled four days and was in the car 26.5 hours!! But, I would not have changed a thing! Yay!!
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
Surreal Peace ....
So, I woke up at 3:29 am with tears just streaming down my face. They were all happy tears!!! I had an overwhelming sense of peace that this baby was going to be okay and that God had my back.
I feel different already - mainly nauseous - but already feel like a mom - a feeling in this world I never thought would happen. I am so excited to start this next chapter in my life.
I feel different already - mainly nauseous - but already feel like a mom - a feeling in this world I never thought would happen. I am so excited to start this next chapter in my life.
Tuesday, May 17, 2011
I believe God can give Miracles
WOW - what a whirlwind of a day!!! Never before did I think I would say these words "I AM PREGNANT!" Well, it's true!! Yep, you heard right!!!
After 6 rounds of clomid, one round of IVF, countless heartbreaking & crying days and $23,000 spent trying to have a baby - WE ARE GOING TO BE PARENTS!!!!
Let me give you a rundown of the past few days. My family came in town this weekend.
Friday - I got off work and drove out to Mt. Juliet to pick my sister up at the campground while the guys & Bailee stayed to camp out.
Saturday - Jena and I got up and hit some garage sales and drive out to Franklin. We met Cat and Amy and hit a few more garage sales. We then went to the boat dock and ate lunch and the guys met up with us too. We hung out for a while and fed the ducks with the kiddos. We then headed back to my house where Momma Judee was cooking up a storm. We all ate and hung out for a while here until bed time. I felt a little nauseous and my boobs hurt - but I thought I was a little sick from pushing myself from running sprints early that morning.
Sunday - The girls and Cody lounged around and we went to the mall at 12 to meet up with Cat, Reed, Carlyn, Amy & Emma. We went to Build-A-Bear and ate lunch and walked around the mall and shopped a little. ;) Then everyone came to stay the night with us. There were 7 people plus myself and Cody that stayed the night. It was a great night with friends and family!!
Monday - I slept in a little and Cody and I ran to the grocery and ate lunch. I came home and cleaned the bathrooms, did laundry, vacuumed and moped the floors and worked out twice. I then went to nanny that night.
Tuesday - THE MOST AWESOME DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!
I woke up and laid in bed. I felt awful. I felt SO nauseous. I woke up and went to take a shower and kept dry heaving. Weird I thought. So, I went to make myself breakfast and yuck - nothing sounded good. I felt so sick. I brushed my teeth and heaved again. I then decided to make my lunch and attempt breakfast again - nope not a success. Heaved in the kitchen sink. UGH, I felt bad for taking off Monday to decompress after the long weekend - so I left for work. I remembered I hadn't had a period in a while (which is not unusual since mine are always funky) But, for some reason I grabbed a pregnancy test on my way out the door just in case. I drank a Sprite at work and felt a little better. I talked to a co-worker who said a stomach bug was going around so I was like "great, I have a bug!"
I called the doctor for some phenegran and he told me to take a pregnancy test and call him back. I went to potty about 11 and took the test with me to do it. I walked back in my office sat it down got busy and looked at it a few minutes later. TWO PINK LINES. Can you believe it?!?! I couldn't I jumped up slammed my office door and tried to breathe. I was freaking out. I was shaking, couldn't breathe and didn't know what to do. I picked up the phone and called Cody. By the grace of God he answered - he NEVER answers I was panting and panting. He kept asking if I was in a wreck. I kept saying "No, no, no" still trying to breathe. I finally summonsed enough air to scream "I THINK I'm pregnant" He was like "What? What? Why?" I told him I took a test and we both got silent. He said "Well?" I mustered enough air to say "TWO PINK LINES, PREGNANT" I kept saying "I'm freaking out, is this real??" We both kept saying over and over "What do we do, who do we call??"
So, we hung up elated and I called my OBGYN - Anne who I love and trust and who has been there every tear of the way for 2 1/2 years - only to find out she was out of the country for 2 weeks. The receptionist told me to come in right away. I grabbed my purse, snuck out the back door and went to the car. I super stalked Cody like 17 times and he finally answered and was rushing out the door to come my way. It felt like THE LONGEST DRIVE EVER!!! When I got there they took me right back and I gave a urine sample. The nurse told me to walk around- she looked up and said "Yep, you're pregnant for sure - no need for a blood test" From then on I was totally glazed over with a perma-grin!! I was so happy I cried and screamed (lterally!). They stuck me in a room to examine me and then Cody arrived. He walked in and all I did was shook my head yes and teared up and we hugged and cried. That was the most awesome moment ever. Two and half years culminated to this - a baby. The exam went well, next was blood work and then an ultrasound. Everything looked great and there was a heartbeat that was strong.
The fill-in doctor Sally called and said that there was a strong heartbeat (105) and she was over the hills happy for us! She said they were going to treat me as a high risk patient given my fertility history & family history of miscarriages. She told me not to worry it was an extreme precaution but this is precious cargo we needed to pamper. Sally also said - no working out for me, eat as healthy as possible (but eat what I want) and really take it easy until I am completely out of the woods.
So, we are 6 weeks pregnant today May 17, 2011 and Baby Cojac is due January 10, 2012!!! I could not be more excited. I want to shout it from the rooftops!!
Here is a quote perfectly fitting that I saw on a friends Facebook post today:
GOD GIVES MIRACLES TO THOSE WHO BELIEVE, COURAGE TO THOSE WITH FAITH, HOPE TO THOSE WHO DREAM, LOVE TO THOSE WHO ACCEPT & FORGIVENESS TO THOSE WHO ASK.....
After 6 rounds of clomid, one round of IVF, countless heartbreaking & crying days and $23,000 spent trying to have a baby - WE ARE GOING TO BE PARENTS!!!!
Let me give you a rundown of the past few days. My family came in town this weekend.
Friday - I got off work and drove out to Mt. Juliet to pick my sister up at the campground while the guys & Bailee stayed to camp out.
Saturday - Jena and I got up and hit some garage sales and drive out to Franklin. We met Cat and Amy and hit a few more garage sales. We then went to the boat dock and ate lunch and the guys met up with us too. We hung out for a while and fed the ducks with the kiddos. We then headed back to my house where Momma Judee was cooking up a storm. We all ate and hung out for a while here until bed time. I felt a little nauseous and my boobs hurt - but I thought I was a little sick from pushing myself from running sprints early that morning.
Sunday - The girls and Cody lounged around and we went to the mall at 12 to meet up with Cat, Reed, Carlyn, Amy & Emma. We went to Build-A-Bear and ate lunch and walked around the mall and shopped a little. ;) Then everyone came to stay the night with us. There were 7 people plus myself and Cody that stayed the night. It was a great night with friends and family!!
Monday - I slept in a little and Cody and I ran to the grocery and ate lunch. I came home and cleaned the bathrooms, did laundry, vacuumed and moped the floors and worked out twice. I then went to nanny that night.
Tuesday - THE MOST AWESOME DAY OF MY LIFE!!!!
I woke up and laid in bed. I felt awful. I felt SO nauseous. I woke up and went to take a shower and kept dry heaving. Weird I thought. So, I went to make myself breakfast and yuck - nothing sounded good. I felt so sick. I brushed my teeth and heaved again. I then decided to make my lunch and attempt breakfast again - nope not a success. Heaved in the kitchen sink. UGH, I felt bad for taking off Monday to decompress after the long weekend - so I left for work. I remembered I hadn't had a period in a while (which is not unusual since mine are always funky) But, for some reason I grabbed a pregnancy test on my way out the door just in case. I drank a Sprite at work and felt a little better. I talked to a co-worker who said a stomach bug was going around so I was like "great, I have a bug!"
I called the doctor for some phenegran and he told me to take a pregnancy test and call him back. I went to potty about 11 and took the test with me to do it. I walked back in my office sat it down got busy and looked at it a few minutes later. TWO PINK LINES. Can you believe it?!?! I couldn't I jumped up slammed my office door and tried to breathe. I was freaking out. I was shaking, couldn't breathe and didn't know what to do. I picked up the phone and called Cody. By the grace of God he answered - he NEVER answers I was panting and panting. He kept asking if I was in a wreck. I kept saying "No, no, no" still trying to breathe. I finally summonsed enough air to scream "I THINK I'm pregnant" He was like "What? What? Why?" I told him I took a test and we both got silent. He said "Well?" I mustered enough air to say "TWO PINK LINES, PREGNANT" I kept saying "I'm freaking out, is this real??" We both kept saying over and over "What do we do, who do we call??"
So, we hung up elated and I called my OBGYN - Anne who I love and trust and who has been there every tear of the way for 2 1/2 years - only to find out she was out of the country for 2 weeks. The receptionist told me to come in right away. I grabbed my purse, snuck out the back door and went to the car. I super stalked Cody like 17 times and he finally answered and was rushing out the door to come my way. It felt like THE LONGEST DRIVE EVER!!! When I got there they took me right back and I gave a urine sample. The nurse told me to walk around- she looked up and said "Yep, you're pregnant for sure - no need for a blood test" From then on I was totally glazed over with a perma-grin!! I was so happy I cried and screamed (lterally!). They stuck me in a room to examine me and then Cody arrived. He walked in and all I did was shook my head yes and teared up and we hugged and cried. That was the most awesome moment ever. Two and half years culminated to this - a baby. The exam went well, next was blood work and then an ultrasound. Everything looked great and there was a heartbeat that was strong.
The fill-in doctor Sally called and said that there was a strong heartbeat (105) and she was over the hills happy for us! She said they were going to treat me as a high risk patient given my fertility history & family history of miscarriages. She told me not to worry it was an extreme precaution but this is precious cargo we needed to pamper. Sally also said - no working out for me, eat as healthy as possible (but eat what I want) and really take it easy until I am completely out of the woods.
So, we are 6 weeks pregnant today May 17, 2011 and Baby Cojac is due January 10, 2012!!! I could not be more excited. I want to shout it from the rooftops!!
Here is a quote perfectly fitting that I saw on a friends Facebook post today:
GOD GIVES MIRACLES TO THOSE WHO BELIEVE, COURAGE TO THOSE WITH FAITH, HOPE TO THOSE WHO DREAM, LOVE TO THOSE WHO ACCEPT & FORGIVENESS TO THOSE WHO ASK.....
Monday, April 25, 2011
Saint Louis Update!!!
We had a great trip!! I will summarize our weekend and add pictures when the computer will quit being crazy and let me ;)
Friday:
Leave house at 6 am. Drive right to St. Luke's hospital, Ultrasound at 12, meet with doctor at 1:30. We were there for almost 4 1/2 hours. Everyone we encountered was very caring and compassionate. We really liked the doctor a lot. Dr. Silber was very detail oriented and explained everything to us in depth. I had a list of questions and he answered each one and let me walk through "what-if's" We are very pleased and have decided to go with him for our next round of IVF. He gave us a 55-60% chance of success with a high chance of twins - we shall see.
I've already emailed their office a few times this week so we can "transfer" the frozen specimen we have with our Nashville doctor to them as a "just in case" such a lovely use for $520, don't ya think?!? They also said they would write a letter for me to attach with my grant applications - I am very impressed with their willingness to help Cody and myself have a family!!
From there we left and met our buddies, Chad and Krable at the hotel. We went to Harry's to have appetizers and drinks. We then went to Landry's for dinner and more drinks. What a great night - that is until Chadillac woke me up at midnight pounding on our door!!!!!
Saturday:
Cody slept and has a "migraine" until about 1 in the afternoon - Chad, Krable and myself went to the zoo and walked around in the rain. Boo - it was still fun because WE bring the party!! We went to the Cardinal vs Cincinnati game and had a hoot of a good time!! ;) Once they pulled the tarp and had a rain delay - top of the 8th inning - we went back to the hotel and got ready for dinner. We ate at the most fabulous Italian restraunt - Cunetto's and went to see the movie Limitless - it was really good!!
Sunday:
We found a nice little breakfast place called Rooster and ate yummy crepes and other yummies! I had Nutella french toast - YUM YUM YUM!!! Then we headed home and had to get back to reality! Boo ;(
We had such a blast with our fabulous friends! Our doctor visit was very up-lifitng and I have hope that this will work! I wish we had the funds to do it today; but it will be January before that happens! I pray that we get grant money that will help us pay for the procedure too!!! We are thinking that we will do the actual procedure in March 2012 for funding reasons and if we were to spend about $3,000 on medications and then get caught in bas snowy weather and can't make it to the doctor on "the" day - we would been up the creek and have to start all over and buy new medication. So, to play it safe we are planning the target date, as they call it, for when Cody is on spring break. We will need to plan to be there for 9-12 days total with me making a day trip about a week prior for an ultrasound and blood work.
I'm ready to get this show on the road!!! ;)
Friday:
Leave house at 6 am. Drive right to St. Luke's hospital, Ultrasound at 12, meet with doctor at 1:30. We were there for almost 4 1/2 hours. Everyone we encountered was very caring and compassionate. We really liked the doctor a lot. Dr. Silber was very detail oriented and explained everything to us in depth. I had a list of questions and he answered each one and let me walk through "what-if's" We are very pleased and have decided to go with him for our next round of IVF. He gave us a 55-60% chance of success with a high chance of twins - we shall see.
I've already emailed their office a few times this week so we can "transfer" the frozen specimen we have with our Nashville doctor to them as a "just in case" such a lovely use for $520, don't ya think?!? They also said they would write a letter for me to attach with my grant applications - I am very impressed with their willingness to help Cody and myself have a family!!
From there we left and met our buddies, Chad and Krable at the hotel. We went to Harry's to have appetizers and drinks. We then went to Landry's for dinner and more drinks. What a great night - that is until Chadillac woke me up at midnight pounding on our door!!!!!
Saturday:
Cody slept and has a "migraine" until about 1 in the afternoon - Chad, Krable and myself went to the zoo and walked around in the rain. Boo - it was still fun because WE bring the party!! We went to the Cardinal vs Cincinnati game and had a hoot of a good time!! ;) Once they pulled the tarp and had a rain delay - top of the 8th inning - we went back to the hotel and got ready for dinner. We ate at the most fabulous Italian restraunt - Cunetto's and went to see the movie Limitless - it was really good!!
Sunday:
We found a nice little breakfast place called Rooster and ate yummy crepes and other yummies! I had Nutella french toast - YUM YUM YUM!!! Then we headed home and had to get back to reality! Boo ;(
We had such a blast with our fabulous friends! Our doctor visit was very up-lifitng and I have hope that this will work! I wish we had the funds to do it today; but it will be January before that happens! I pray that we get grant money that will help us pay for the procedure too!!! We are thinking that we will do the actual procedure in March 2012 for funding reasons and if we were to spend about $3,000 on medications and then get caught in bas snowy weather and can't make it to the doctor on "the" day - we would been up the creek and have to start all over and buy new medication. So, to play it safe we are planning the target date, as they call it, for when Cody is on spring break. We will need to plan to be there for 9-12 days total with me making a day trip about a week prior for an ultrasound and blood work.
I'm ready to get this show on the road!!! ;)
Sunday, April 17, 2011
What this weekend could have been . . . .
As I sit on my couch on a quiet Sunday afternoon, Cody is asleep; I begin to cry thinking of what this weekend could have meant for both of us. Our due date would been April 18, 2011 had we of conceived with IVF. I am crying not only because I am sad, I am crying because, as silly as it may seem, I feel like I am mourning the loss not only of the one child that we could of had but the ten children that we could of had. (the doctor retrieved 10 eggs during IVF)
I am so blessed to have my health, a husband who loves me 'to the moon and back', a job I love, friends that are caring and compassionate and a family that has been by my side and unwavering through this roller coaster of emotions. Yet, I am still crying.
I have 5 days until we leave to see the new fertility doctor and it can't come fast enough. We still have a very long road until we reach enough in our savings to try again for IVF; but the thought of having a plan eases the pain. I am hopeful this new doctor will give us positive news and help us start our family that we both so desperately want.
Now, off to dry the tears and try to find things to fill my time for the afternoon.
I am so blessed to have my health, a husband who loves me 'to the moon and back', a job I love, friends that are caring and compassionate and a family that has been by my side and unwavering through this roller coaster of emotions. Yet, I am still crying.
I have 5 days until we leave to see the new fertility doctor and it can't come fast enough. We still have a very long road until we reach enough in our savings to try again for IVF; but the thought of having a plan eases the pain. I am hopeful this new doctor will give us positive news and help us start our family that we both so desperately want.
Now, off to dry the tears and try to find things to fill my time for the afternoon.
Sunday, April 3, 2011
The sweetest note . . .
In applying for one of our fertility grants we had to write a letter to the organization describing our journey with infertility. I asked Cody to write it because he is SO much better at words than I am and here is what he wrote. I am so blessed to have a wonderful husband who loves me so dearly!!!
What makes a man, a man? I wonder sometimes now. Is it his origins, the way he comes to life? I believe it is the choices he makes. It’s not how he starts things, but in how he decides to end them.
I am Cody Berry, best friend and husband to a beautiful bride. My wife, Jaclyn, is an amazing woman who brings a smile to my face every morning that I awake. After three years of marriage she still manages to intrigue me with every breath she takes and I could not imagine my life without her. A marriage constructed of continuous love and companionship is how we started.
It was without a shadow of a doubt that we were going to embark on that special and intimate journey of starting a family. We would ask each other every so often, “How many kids do you think we’ll have?” The answer was always between two and three. This is a dream and a gift that I want so badly to give to my wife!
And so the seemingly endless attempts to conceive began. After about eight to nine months this process had begun losing its zeal and had become more of a part time job. It began to wear on us both and frustration set in. Still, we were steadfast with our prayers in asking God to please bless us as parents.
It became apparent that after so many months of trying that something wasn’t quite right. Jaclyn started initiating conversations about being tested and hesitantly, I agreed. She was put through the gauntlet of tests and was strong through it all. Finally, it had come to the conversation that no man ever wants to be a part of. “Maybe you should be tested.”
I couldn’t be broken, could I? I have always been perfectly healthy without any broken bones much less a cavity! I felt it necessary and only fitting that out of respect and love for my wife that I be tested. I never expected anything to be wrong, nor did I expect what was to come.
You see, from the time that I was a teenager having worked with youth in Church and around camps, I knew from that experience that I wanted to be a father more than anything. If all else failed around me, I knew that fatherhood was an obstacle that I would not, and could not see falter. If there is any statement that is de facto and true it is that, women become mothers and men become fathers. I never saw that changing.
I would lie in bed at night thinking of situations and things to say to my unborn children, what I wanted to teach them and have them learn from my own mistakes. Not that I ever had it rough, but there is a paternal and maternal instinct that wants so much more for our kids. I remember a quote from Abraham Lincoln that states, “The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother.” This is what I was going to do.
Well, then news came down from the doctor that I in fact had a low sperm count. Of course I could only make excuses as what might have caused this. After all, I was healthy as an ox! It soon became evident that there truly was something wrong. It is an unsettling feeling when what makes a man is stripped from him, leaving him bare.
The fault and blame lied with me and this is how it was going to be. This was my attitude and how I felt. The hurt and anger overwhelmed me and I began to withdraw from the situation. Our faith was put to the test. All along I was bottled up with no cork screw in sight.
Jaclyn was the one to begin researching and speaking with friends who had battled infertility issues as we were now. We had dinners and first time meetings with those that chose to let us in and allowed us to hear their story. It brought some comfort to us.
Then Jaclyn created a blog to help others like us. She wanted to let others know that they were not alone and that there are so many of us in the same boat. It allowed her to have a voice and some perspective. There was no shying away from the tough parts of our story. It’s the only way to help those who don’t have our strength. Be honest and be real like those who told their stories to us. It’s what we did to cope.
The day came when we met with the fertility clinic. Once again, the blood was drawn; ultrasounds seemed to happen every other week. I had never been to so many doctors appointment in so little time! It was daunting, but it had a glimmer of hope behind it all.
After all of our tests were returned the diagnosis was shared with us. The words that followed were so unspeakably cruel that every fiber in my body felt torn apart. All that I thought to be true, ostensibly, was not. How could HE take this from me, us? Living with this notion has been a daily struggle.
On our own, we were told there was only about a 2% chance of bringing a child into this world. Tears streamed down Jaclyn’s face. Our hearts were broken. It was the day in my life that I was at my weakest. I choked back the tears and held steady the hand of my wife. I couldn’t let her see me cry. But, then I broke. There were days that came and went that one of us wasn’t shedding a tear, but it was Jaclyn who started to pick up the pieces first.
Financially we exhausted everything we had saved. Thus, we began the process of IVF. It was all new information for us both. I wasn’t too sure about giving my wife shots every day though. This wasn’t something that I was trained for!
The days and weeks would soon pass as our faith and hope grew stronger. After all, with IVF we had well above a 50% chance of conceiving. Another blow was given when we were told we only had 3 viable eggs. We would have nothing left to freeze for another cycle. Still, we held onto our hope that God would bless us.
While on vacation with family, a phone call was received by Jaclyn. Only I could tell by the look in her eyes that we would find ourselves on the wrong end of the percentages. We were not pregnant.
Physical pain didn’t begin to skim the surface of the emotional turmoil that my wife and I would endure in that week. Jaclyn had picked up baby clothes at a store as a way to tell me that were going to be parents. Unlike an unwanted birthday gift, this return held an entirely different feel.
“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1 is the passage that has spoken to me from a very young age and one that I have shared numerous times with my wife. Today, after many conversations and prayers, we are willing to put ourselves out there, yet again.
Life is hard, and there is no way to predict what happens to us next. Right now, in this very moment is all anyone truly has. We walked back in on our faith and toughened it out. As long as the good days outnumber the bad, we will live those days with family and friends there to cheer us on in our adventure. Dream big! Nothing worthy gets handed to you on a silver platter. Work, sweat and get off the bench as my sports background would say. You get one shot at life.
DH Lawrence once wrote, “I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself; A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." We are not looking for pity. We do not pity ourselves. What we are asking for is help. Help to nurture our dream of creating a family.
We hope that our journey is heard. We hope that our future is as bright as the rising sun. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies…
Sincerely,
C. Cody Berry
What makes a man, a man? I wonder sometimes now. Is it his origins, the way he comes to life? I believe it is the choices he makes. It’s not how he starts things, but in how he decides to end them.
I am Cody Berry, best friend and husband to a beautiful bride. My wife, Jaclyn, is an amazing woman who brings a smile to my face every morning that I awake. After three years of marriage she still manages to intrigue me with every breath she takes and I could not imagine my life without her. A marriage constructed of continuous love and companionship is how we started.
It was without a shadow of a doubt that we were going to embark on that special and intimate journey of starting a family. We would ask each other every so often, “How many kids do you think we’ll have?” The answer was always between two and three. This is a dream and a gift that I want so badly to give to my wife!
And so the seemingly endless attempts to conceive began. After about eight to nine months this process had begun losing its zeal and had become more of a part time job. It began to wear on us both and frustration set in. Still, we were steadfast with our prayers in asking God to please bless us as parents.
It became apparent that after so many months of trying that something wasn’t quite right. Jaclyn started initiating conversations about being tested and hesitantly, I agreed. She was put through the gauntlet of tests and was strong through it all. Finally, it had come to the conversation that no man ever wants to be a part of. “Maybe you should be tested.”
I couldn’t be broken, could I? I have always been perfectly healthy without any broken bones much less a cavity! I felt it necessary and only fitting that out of respect and love for my wife that I be tested. I never expected anything to be wrong, nor did I expect what was to come.
You see, from the time that I was a teenager having worked with youth in Church and around camps, I knew from that experience that I wanted to be a father more than anything. If all else failed around me, I knew that fatherhood was an obstacle that I would not, and could not see falter. If there is any statement that is de facto and true it is that, women become mothers and men become fathers. I never saw that changing.
I would lie in bed at night thinking of situations and things to say to my unborn children, what I wanted to teach them and have them learn from my own mistakes. Not that I ever had it rough, but there is a paternal and maternal instinct that wants so much more for our kids. I remember a quote from Abraham Lincoln that states, “The best thing a man can do for his children is to love their mother.” This is what I was going to do.
Well, then news came down from the doctor that I in fact had a low sperm count. Of course I could only make excuses as what might have caused this. After all, I was healthy as an ox! It soon became evident that there truly was something wrong. It is an unsettling feeling when what makes a man is stripped from him, leaving him bare.
The fault and blame lied with me and this is how it was going to be. This was my attitude and how I felt. The hurt and anger overwhelmed me and I began to withdraw from the situation. Our faith was put to the test. All along I was bottled up with no cork screw in sight.
Jaclyn was the one to begin researching and speaking with friends who had battled infertility issues as we were now. We had dinners and first time meetings with those that chose to let us in and allowed us to hear their story. It brought some comfort to us.
Then Jaclyn created a blog to help others like us. She wanted to let others know that they were not alone and that there are so many of us in the same boat. It allowed her to have a voice and some perspective. There was no shying away from the tough parts of our story. It’s the only way to help those who don’t have our strength. Be honest and be real like those who told their stories to us. It’s what we did to cope.
The day came when we met with the fertility clinic. Once again, the blood was drawn; ultrasounds seemed to happen every other week. I had never been to so many doctors appointment in so little time! It was daunting, but it had a glimmer of hope behind it all.
After all of our tests were returned the diagnosis was shared with us. The words that followed were so unspeakably cruel that every fiber in my body felt torn apart. All that I thought to be true, ostensibly, was not. How could HE take this from me, us? Living with this notion has been a daily struggle.
On our own, we were told there was only about a 2% chance of bringing a child into this world. Tears streamed down Jaclyn’s face. Our hearts were broken. It was the day in my life that I was at my weakest. I choked back the tears and held steady the hand of my wife. I couldn’t let her see me cry. But, then I broke. There were days that came and went that one of us wasn’t shedding a tear, but it was Jaclyn who started to pick up the pieces first.
Financially we exhausted everything we had saved. Thus, we began the process of IVF. It was all new information for us both. I wasn’t too sure about giving my wife shots every day though. This wasn’t something that I was trained for!
The days and weeks would soon pass as our faith and hope grew stronger. After all, with IVF we had well above a 50% chance of conceiving. Another blow was given when we were told we only had 3 viable eggs. We would have nothing left to freeze for another cycle. Still, we held onto our hope that God would bless us.
While on vacation with family, a phone call was received by Jaclyn. Only I could tell by the look in her eyes that we would find ourselves on the wrong end of the percentages. We were not pregnant.
Physical pain didn’t begin to skim the surface of the emotional turmoil that my wife and I would endure in that week. Jaclyn had picked up baby clothes at a store as a way to tell me that were going to be parents. Unlike an unwanted birthday gift, this return held an entirely different feel.
“Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.” Hebrews 11:1 is the passage that has spoken to me from a very young age and one that I have shared numerous times with my wife. Today, after many conversations and prayers, we are willing to put ourselves out there, yet again.
Life is hard, and there is no way to predict what happens to us next. Right now, in this very moment is all anyone truly has. We walked back in on our faith and toughened it out. As long as the good days outnumber the bad, we will live those days with family and friends there to cheer us on in our adventure. Dream big! Nothing worthy gets handed to you on a silver platter. Work, sweat and get off the bench as my sports background would say. You get one shot at life.
DH Lawrence once wrote, “I never saw a wild thing sorry for itself; A small bird will drop frozen dead from a bough without ever having felt sorry for itself." We are not looking for pity. We do not pity ourselves. What we are asking for is help. Help to nurture our dream of creating a family.
We hope that our journey is heard. We hope that our future is as bright as the rising sun. Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies…
Sincerely,
C. Cody Berry
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