Reflecting

Today, like most days, I have been reflecting about the roller coaster of emotions we have been through in the past few months. First, was the first time we were told we could not have babies on our own. It was gut-wrenching. I just remember sitting in the parking lot for hours (it felt like) sobbing. The upside of the roller coaster happened when we were told the numbers were better and things looked up. We left that appointment on cloud 9 just ecstatic and actually celebrated with a nice dinner and talked about our future family and smiled for days. That is until the we went for a consult with the doctor and were told once again that we could not conceive on our own. Apparently, the numbers were mis-read by the nurse. Once again, we were devastated.

Cody had to leave this appointment early, so I found myself alone unable to control my tears. I sat at the park for over two hours sobbing, watching kids play and thinking to myself how jealous and envious I was. I talked to a close friend, my mom and my mother-in-love and I still felt lost.

I was upset when I would see mom's with their kids and I would have to remove myself from the situation. I heard other people say that before and always thought "Geez people, get a grip" But, one of the many life lessons I have learned is don't judge another until have walked in their shoes. The other life lesson was told to me by our fabulous IVF nurse, Jennifer. I went to a doctor appointment one day, and I told her I saw a pregnant woman in the parking lot as I was walking in and just started crying. Jennifer's response was "you have no idea what her journey was to pregnancy." That has really stuck with me.

Sometimes I wonder if those days will ever leave my memory? And other days I want to remember them so when my future kids are not sleeping at night or throwing a fit in the store; I will remember how blessed I am to have kids. Each one of those days still feels as though it was yesterday. The heartache is indescribable and I don't wish that pain upon anyone.

But, I keep repeating "HE won't bring us to it if HE won't bring us through it" That has been a great mantra for me.